Sunday, June 2, 2013

Keep Going and Live.

My husband would never be caught dead in pajama pants in public.  That is... unless he really thought he was dying.

A few years ago, David finally went in to get his wisdom teeth taken out.  You should know that he is terrified of needles and has never been to the dentist since I've known him which has been about 13 years or so.  But he was in pain, so he submitted to his first surgery ever and man... talk about giving up on life.  I think he really thought there was a good chance he would die. When I drove him home from the dentist, he just sat there with blood dripping down his chin; powerless to help himself. I had to personally reach inside his mouth and insert gauze.  After a few delirious days under the influence of vicadin, he was firmly on the road to recovery.  Eventually, we had to go to the pharmacy or do some such errand so he reluctantly dragged himself dramatically to the car... wearing his pajama pants.  And that's when I knew.  "Why are you wearing those pants?"  I demanded.  "You think you might die!  Don't you??  You are fine.  You just had your wisdom teeth out, that's all!  Now go back inside and get some real clothes on and LIVE.  LIVE I tell you!"

Well, I don't know about you, but I have a suspicion that a lot of us are like that.  I know I am.  I had a particularly emotional week this past week as I waited expectantly for my normal womanly cycle to kick in, but it never did.  Day after day went by and I was just kind of dumbfounded.  I am never late.  Furthermore, I look at pregnant women all the time and consistently think, "Better her than me."  I have no hidden desire to get pregnant.  I am totally happy with my kid situation.  So after a week of no period I really started to freak out a little bit.  So many different thoughts, feelings, and emotions flying around inside my head.

It wasn't until I talked to Dave and he said, "I wouldn't be worried.  God is the giver of life.  Who am I to question that?" that I started to relax and accept it.   And the more I thought about that, the more excited I got.

"Wow!  God is the giver of life." I thought.  "As the Giver, has He decided to give us a little life that we didn't plan for or expect?  He must have His own special plan for us and that is exciting!"  I began to pray for this little life I was sure was growing inside of me.  I thought about how excited the kids would be and how good it would be for them to learn to care for someone else.  I had a secret I couldn't tell.  There was still time, but I was pretty sure the unthinkable had happened.  I was pregnant.

And then one day... It shockingly became clear that I was not pregnant.  Suddenly all of those new ideas that were so hard to embrace at first were ripped away.  The future suddenly seemed flat and gray--mundane.  "What in the world?" I thought.  "I don't understand this at all."  But from the beginning I had decided to trust God with my life and situation; so I decided to trust Him again.  Still, I was sad...very sad.  And confused.

And then as I suffered through these new emotions and sense of loss, I was keenly aware of every little body ache.  Each one seemed to me to be a sign that I was surely dying.  "Just pile it on." I thought.  "Just press the "TNT button" to add more drama."  That was me.

My achilles was hurting and not extending all the way. "What's wrong?!" I wondered.  I had an awful headache.  My back was hurting.  My hearing felt a little off.  I felt dizzy.  "I"m probably dying," I dramatically surmised. "I better lie down." And that was when I realized: I'm doing that thing! The dramatic thing.  The making so much out of my little situation thing. "You're not dying!"  I told myself.  "You're having your period and a few aches and pains.  Get dressed and LIVE, Corynne.  LIVE I tell ya!"

But you know what, God is so gracious to me and patient.  I had a few cuddly, quiet moments with Dave. I had some prayerful times with God.  I took it easy while I wasn't feeling well and dropped the ball on some of my household things, but God provided.  A sweet friend left breakfast on my front porch and after a few days, I'm feeling out of the woods.  I'm still alive!

{Here I am "living" while my 5 year old disguises me with silly putty...}

And really... I'm just fine.

"With upright heart he shepherded them and guided them with his skillful hand." --Psalms 78:72

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." --James 1:2-4

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