Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm Not Famous

I feel like I may have mentioned this before, but maybe I have only mentioned it to Dave.  Although, I'm pretty sure my little sister knows this quirk about me all too well.   You see, I have this problem.  I used to secretly, not so secretly, hope that "people" would be watching my life and finally realize what a great spy I could be--recognizing my "raw talent"-- and then recruit me and give me all the training I would need to be the next James Bond.  (Although now that I'm publicly writing this, I have officially dashed all hopes of it ever happening.  The words "Corynne" and "spy" are forever cached together on this thing we call the World Wide Web and my incognito status is forever compromised.)(I just can't let go of the dream, though, you know?!)  And if not that, I sort of always have this kind of ridiculous notion--or feeling, if you will-- that people are watching my life as if it were a very interesting movie.

So in that spirit I boarded a train the other day--feeling as if the whole world was watching me in interest.  I was catching BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) into the city--all by myself--to meet my love and feeling so official, and grown up, and cool and stuff.  The train was packed--standing room only--so there I stood, hanging on to one of the rails and trying to act nonchalant.  I saw some cool scenery and decided to take a picture.  While my camera was out, I noticed my reflection and I just love taking pictures of reflections, so I snapped off a couple of shots when suddenly a horrible realization swept over me and kind of took my breath away: I was not a cool, hip, grown up person that people were admiring at all!  I was still my 12 year old self on that ferry boat to Catalina Island.  The one where I had struck up a conversation with a kind old man and at the end of the trip he told my mom what a very nice son she had.  I clearly remember wearing a flannel and a horrible baseball cap that day with bluntly cut, shoulder length hair.  Not so different from my ensemble today... Today I was older, with a little more of a chest, but still looking no more than 16 years old with my hair pulled back in a bun and stuck through the hole of a surf hat.  Jeans, boots, a grey t-shirt, and a blue jacket/sweater thing completed the outfit. The only difference today was, the kind man I was talking to on this train wasn't quite as old as the one on the ferry.  Try as I might, I'm still the same old person who is just as likely to be mistaken for a boy today as I was back then.  Truthfully, I kind of laughed at myself in that moment.  It was a good dose of reality.  "You are not living in a movie, Corynne.  You are simply standing on a train looking slightly dopey, but having a great time.  Enjoy the moment.  Sheesh!  No one else can enjoy it for you by watching it."

In the end, I got to have a cup of coffee with my favorite guy who likes me just the way I am: not a spy, not a boy, not that cool. Just plain old Cryn.  But he makes me feel like a movie star!  I'm really lucky.